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I’ve met someone who I’m thinking of every night.

Twenty-eight heartbeats for advantage. Laughing till early morning, unfinished big (and little) talks, unspeakable words, dozen of dreams.

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My heart is tired, I defend myself. Still have enough power for that fight. Independence. I do whatever I want to do, disappear when I need it but I’m thinking. Thinking intense. When is it over?

And you know what? I do not like low air humidity and cold feet. I’m catching the sun rays and putting them into my pocket, hiding for later. And in the evenings… In the evenings, on my way home from the corner shop I stop, with juice in my right hand and milk in my left one while I’m staring into the stars. Is something wrong with me?

So be careful to not meet me on your way, because I have no place to stay and I will go with you. I will ask if you want to, of course. Do you?

Boring (person?)

     I go to bed late at night. Wake up early morning. I don’t dream anything. Good or bad. I don’t live, I subsist. I have nothing interesting to say. I don’t stand out to people who I pass every day on my way to work. My life is atrociously ordinary. No one notices me in the crowd. I am one of many – the unit forming part of the cell. I would like to be an individual.

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I can’t be focused on anything. I don’t do anything with passion, I do this because I have to, not because i want to. Life is passing me by. Every day I’m chasing it, disappearing shadow on the corner of the street where I live since last summer. I can’t run fast enough to catch up passing time.

     Men get tired with me. Late enough to break my heart and early enough to let me meet another douchebag who’s going to do same thing. For sure.

I’m desensitized. For good. Frozen. I’m wasting time. Don’t look back. Somewhere between gin and tonic. Somewhere between laugh, dance, crave. Obvilion. Somewhere between phone call. Short chat, about nothing. I keep distance. I do not become attached. And I’m cute. As hell. Always.

There’s no feelings, somehow.

No eye-openers.

No superfluous words.

No redundant smiles.

Is… Unnecessarily.

Because I’m worthless

     Screaming inside my head. Every night. Screams that tear my tired chest. Inexplicable fear of dreams.

     When I was a little girl I was afraid of the universe, I was afraid of bad people. Adults tried to teach me how not to show that I am weak. Today I am still scared of the darkness. Still scared of bad people. I’m scared falling asleep when I can hear my fast beating heart. They didn’t teach me how to be strong at night, daytime only, when people look at me. That’s why I’ve never felt free. Well, maybe those few moments in someone’s arms. Anyone’s.

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I always thought I’m not ambitious enough, that I can’t do anything properly, I’m not talented at all, that my life doesn’t mean anything. Why?

     Flashback. I play on the sidewalk near my house. I’m wearing a blue dress. I’m seven, have two blonde ponytails and a painful body full of bruises. All this pain tears me apart from the inside. It shouldn’t be like that. Today I spend time on my own. Drinking hot chocolate and reading book. That’s the usual. I’m not happy yet but I’m fighting for better life.

Here, in this country where I was born again.