Homesick

     I felt rain in the air. It rained. I lack oxygen and I catch myself totally not thinking most of the day. And I’m craving music only. I’m in love with tunes.

blog

     Lemon tea in the evening, book and mind full of thoughts. Broken heart and this belief that I will feel extreme emotions for the rest of my life (because I am emotional).

I am terribly lonely. I miss my mum and my friends. I miss everything I left in my homeland. But I won’t go back. Never.

And one thing I am totally sure of is that I have already experienced my first love (Bon Iver played from the vinyl). I am very sorry for this.

And I wish I had met someone who would always pick up the phone when I‘m calling.

28

I’ve met someone who I’m thinking of every night.

Twenty-eight heartbeats for advantage. Laughing till early morning, unfinished big (and little) talks, unspeakable words, dozen of dreams.

c

My heart is tired, I defend myself. Still have enough power for that fight. Independence. I do whatever I want to do, disappear when I need it but I’m thinking. Thinking intense. When is it over?

And you know what? I do not like low air humidity and cold feet. I’m catching the sun rays and putting them into my pocket, hiding for later. And in the evenings… In the evenings, on my way home from the corner shop I stop, with juice in my right hand and milk in my left one while I’m staring into the stars. Is something wrong with me?

So be careful to not meet me on your way, because I have no place to stay and I will go with you. I will ask if you want to, of course. Do you?

I Like When…

I like when you wipe my tears  away when I’m sad, when you ask how my day has been and why I’m laughing all the time. I like your self-confidence and sense of humour. And I like when you let me in to your bed in the middle of the night to be with me. One to one.

gh

I’m trying not to show emotions. Look at me, how strong I am! I don’t need anyone. I fill my day by thoughts (not)about you. I don’t want any drama. The cat looks at me suspiciously. I can’t stroke him. He’s running away. Independent.

And don’t think that I don’t think, Mr Perfect. I just can’t be bothered to look inside my thoughts. And I know It’s going to be like that, one day we will promise to each other that ever and that never… And I’m afraid I lust for you.

I just hope this is the truth there’s somebody somewhere who wants the same thing what I want.

Take my heart and break it.

Nobody’s

      I remember I woke up at night dressed up in his bed, and I felt strange. Like I’ve never been there before, sleeping.

14628034_10210851159824100_1207838873_n

     I feel the presence of someone in his life, I can not erase this. So why don’t I finish all of this right now? How many times have you said to me: ‘Do what your heart tells you’. So… I do. I just don’t think it’s best for me. And still talking to network. Still I have a head full of words. That’s the only thing constant in me.

      I’m unserious. All my life is unserious, trivial, pointless, ordinary. I am ashamed for myself. I’m not sure if you know that feeling but It’s like watching yourself from the outside. I’m Seeing my mistakes from another point of view, still doing that, I guess. Actually I’m not sure of anything at the moment because I have your music inside my head. And your words. And all of this is mixing each other. Like alcohol.

I forgot what I was going to be.

Autumn #2

     Autumn tastes like green tea to me. Sad songs, lonely evenings, cold sheets. I get miffed easily and I’m avoiding big decisions.

     Pile of books, hundreds of LP records. I think through verses, sentences, lyrics. I breath by music, keyboard, trumpet, drums. I am in East. St. Louis and New Your City of 1950’s and 60’s. And I’m walking there with men of jazz. I wear wet trench coat and creased midi dress. I breath by sound, contact through the sound. I go back to the time when sensitivity and emotions were valued. I want to live. Here and now. Only now and here.

IMG_4791.JPG

     Ham on Rye, Hopscotch, Crave, Love is a Dog From Hell… I have a book for you for any kind of mood. And I also have a song which will touch and calm you, lull you to sleep. Or arouse you from sleep.

Depends what you prefer.

CHANGES

     Smell of autumn in the air. I am sad because I love summer. But I hope that autumn will calm me down. That something (maybe someone) will piece me together into one whole.

14292464_10210608187509944_4504480678062424749_n
Red lipstick and a handful of change. In my pocket. Head full of dreams. New plans. New challenges. I start everything. From the beginning. Again. Hope is back.
I think about him sometimes, still. I remember his laugh when I said (again) something funny (unintentionally). He used to tell me I’m cute. Kissed my forehead and disappeared. That’s how he was. And that will never change. Elusive. Not for me. He walked away. I stayed. Another change in my life. I do not regret.

But honestly, I feel like every day in the same place at the same time the same car splashed me the same water from a puddle on the zebra crossing on Kings Cross. Well, after all, this is pointless. But… changes. YES. Because I love changes. Changes are cool. Awfully cool. I really fucking love it.

Strange fascination fascinating me.

Breathe

     I feel totally common. Small-town little girl. Blind to the thousand matters. I’m drowning in this loneliness. Today.

Empty faces passing in the queue to the tube. Puppets In suits. Cold hearts. Dirty souls. Where are you running so fast? Where are you going in such a hurry? Just stop. Shout out loud what you feel. Forget about all this concrete world around you.

13934898_10210222092857819_7656759239259172127_n

     I don’t have friends in this city. No one has. Everyone has aspirations only and pockets full of pounds. With no value. Worthless. You live fast… No. You don’t live. No time for everything that you love (because you love your job, obviously).

I have different priorities than people around me. I don’t feel inferior. I’m not better. I look in another way at the world. I think different. I do what I think is good. The naive girl from the provinces. Helps anyone who spits in her face. Because she feels she should. Stop. Do not feel. Think. THINK. Manipulate. Win this competition.

     Insensitivity. Contempt. Narcissism. Rat race. You won. This is not the place where I belong. This is not the place where I want to be.

I’d rather lay down on the grass and stare at the sky.