I remember I woke up at night dressed up in his bed, and I felt strange. Like I’ve never been there before, sleeping.


     I feel the presence of someone in his life, I can not erase this. So why don’t I finish all of this right now? How many times have you said to me: ‘Do what your heart tells you’. So… I do. I just don’t think it’s best for me. And still talking to network. Still I have a head full of words. That’s the only thing constant in me.

      I’m unserious. All my life is unserious, trivial, pointless, ordinary. I am ashamed for myself. I’m not sure if you know that feeling but It’s like watching yourself from the outside. I’m Seeing my mistakes from another point of view, still doing that, I guess. Actually I’m not sure of anything at the moment because I have your music inside my head. And your words. And all of this is mixing each other. Like alcohol.

I forgot what I was going to be.

Ordinary Madness

     Everything is happening so fast. Too fast. I don’t have a time to think about what’s bad or what’s good, what’s wrong or what’s right, what’s meaningful and what’s senseless. I don’t have a time to wonder if I am entitled to look into his eyes so insolently. My heart beats faster. I don’t feel well when we don’t talk. I miss him since he left my flat. I’m so angry about all these moments, when he is not beside me. Even that we don’t speak same languages, I still feel he understands me best. I don’t want it any other way.


     I can’t talk to him. I can’t be focused on the conversation, I rarely listen. I’m catching thousands of these microsecond gestures which freeze me from top of my head to toes – then I can;t listen to him at all. I look at his mouth and I want him to kiss me. NOW. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, what did I already tell him and what I was going to say. In my head I recreate various unreal scenarios. Since April I’m beyond reality and I don’t intend to get back. I want to melt in it, sink in it, float away. I want to stretch these moments, taste them. I want to last in this. At all costs. I’m not coming back. I put myself into this position again and again. I know how to. I have learned how to.

And my biggest trouble, my personal tragedy is that I will spend the night without him.