CHANGES

     Smell of autumn in the air. I am sad because I love summer. But I hope that autumn will calm me down. That something (maybe someone) will piece me together into one whole.

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Red lipstick and a handful of change. In my pocket. Head full of dreams. New plans. New challenges. I start everything. From the beginning. Again. Hope is back.
I think about him sometimes, still. I remember his laugh when I said (again) something funny (unintentionally). He used to tell me I’m cute. Kissed my forehead and disappeared. That’s how he was. And that will never change. Elusive. Not for me. He walked away. I stayed. Another change in my life. I do not regret.

But honestly, I feel like every day in the same place at the same time the same car splashed me the same water from a puddle on the zebra crossing on Kings Cross. Well, after all, this is pointless. But… changes. YES. Because I love changes. Changes are cool. Awfully cool. I really fucking love it.

Strange fascination fascinating me.

Let It Go.

     One day I love everything around me. Another day I feel like I’m going to throw up my heart on the floor. It has shattered. It has gone. Forgotten. I am lonely in my life, mind, bed. Again. I don’t have anyone to think about before I go to sleep. I lack air. I wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy head of thoughts. Empty sex. Space between us. Words not-to-say.

Three clouds of smoke. Two pills of happiness. Twenty seven beats (of heart). One soul. Broken (in a half). Sad eyes. Open mouth. Hello! It’s (just) me. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just need a little bit of understanding. Love is a foreign sensation to me.

     Take me somewhere. Far away. Far away from this place. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. Buy me a pillow full of good dreams. Like a bottomless pit. I will take all those best ones out. To forget what happened in the past.

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And I can see one of those dreams for a good night. I’m climbing up to a hill higher than Kilimanjaro. Hot air is mixing all thoughts on my mind. And I’m laughing through my tears. Sweat trickles from my brow. I can see the rainbow. Look how beautiful world is. I breath in. I can hear twitter birds in my ears. And I can see cranes are flying in formation to the north. They are coming back. I will come back. I realised the sense of this trip.

     You look at me with this gaze full of anger like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ran out of feelings. For you.

Let it go. Fall asleep. Forget.

Do not wake up. Ever again.

Just dream.

Holidays.

     Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, brea…

     I’m leaving. I’m disappearing. Even for a few days, far away from crowd of people rush to nowhere. For a while I reject consumerism, expensive alcohol and aimless conversations with random men. For a few days I don’t want to listen to what I should do. I want to be free. For a few days… I want the wind to tangle my red hair, the sun burns my pale skin. I want to breathe. Breathe. Not suffocate. I will clean my mind and come back aware I can do everything.

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I will be back more powerful. Less stress. more energy. For action. Maybe a little bit sleepy, with an inbox full of messages, but I come back. Stronger. I will arrange everything again, by myself. Begin again. I will fix everything that I ruined.

     And I’m sorry I don’t have time for you, again. For all of you. I’m sorry. Even not sure if you noticed that I’m gone. My phone is deaf. I disappeared. It’s the vibe of this city. This place leaves me cold. Quite often. This hopeless place.