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I’ve met someone who I’m thinking of every night.

Twenty-eight heartbeats for advantage. Laughing till early morning, unfinished big (and little) talks, unspeakable words, dozen of dreams.

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My heart is tired, I defend myself. Still have enough power for that fight. Independence. I do whatever I want to do, disappear when I need it but I’m thinking. Thinking intense. When is it over?

And you know what? I do not like low air humidity and cold feet. I’m catching the sun rays and putting them into my pocket, hiding for later. And in the evenings… In the evenings, on my way home from the corner shop I stop, with juice in my right hand and milk in my left one while I’m staring into the stars. Is something wrong with me?

So be careful to not meet me on your way, because I have no place to stay and I will go with you. I will ask if you want to, of course. Do you?

I Like When…

I like when you wipe my tears  away when I’m sad, when you ask how my day has been and why I’m laughing all the time. I like your self-confidence and sense of humour. And I like when you let me in to your bed in the middle of the night to be with me. One to one.

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I’m trying not to show emotions. Look at me, how strong I am! I don’t need anyone. I fill my day by thoughts (not)about you. I don’t want any drama. The cat looks at me suspiciously. I can’t stroke him. He’s running away. Independent.

And don’t think that I don’t think, Mr Perfect. I just can’t be bothered to look inside my thoughts. And I know It’s going to be like that, one day we will promise to each other that ever and that never… And I’m afraid I lust for you.

I just hope this is the truth there’s somebody somewhere who wants the same thing what I want.

Take my heart and break it.

Autumn #2

     Autumn tastes like green tea to me. Sad songs, lonely evenings, cold sheets. I get miffed easily and I’m avoiding big decisions.

     Pile of books, hundreds of LP records. I think through verses, sentences, lyrics. I breath by music, keyboard, trumpet, drums. I am in East. St. Louis and New Your City of 1950’s and 60’s. And I’m walking there with men of jazz. I wear wet trench coat and creased midi dress. I breath by sound, contact through the sound. I go back to the time when sensitivity and emotions were valued. I want to live. Here and now. Only now and here.

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     Ham on Rye, Hopscotch, Crave, Love is a Dog From Hell… I have a book for you for any kind of mood. And I also have a song which will touch and calm you, lull you to sleep. Or arouse you from sleep.

Depends what you prefer.

Autumn

     Autumn. In the autumn I feel just like this… I travel by train without a ticket, fall asleep on the buses. Funk and soul play into my ear. So as usual. I meet new people, forget days of the week, I’m late for meetings. Don’t eat much or don’t eat at all. Rarely call my parents. I watch sad films and read sad books. I leave house at 5.55 and head back at 22.55. I’m working, drawing, singing, reading, dreaming, recalling. And missing (someone) in the evenings. I dream about love. This one and only.

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     I’m drowning in the sounds of loneliness. Tea with milk for breakfast. Quick text in the morning ‘hi! How is it going?’ I’m falling asleep easily. I don’t think about anyone. My dreams are torn. I forget why, for what.

Call me if you want to hear all of this. I will pop in in the evening with bottle of wine to listen to old records.

CHANGES

     Smell of autumn in the air. I am sad because I love summer. But I hope that autumn will calm me down. That something (maybe someone) will piece me together into one whole.

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Red lipstick and a handful of change. In my pocket. Head full of dreams. New plans. New challenges. I start everything. From the beginning. Again. Hope is back.
I think about him sometimes, still. I remember his laugh when I said (again) something funny (unintentionally). He used to tell me I’m cute. Kissed my forehead and disappeared. That’s how he was. And that will never change. Elusive. Not for me. He walked away. I stayed. Another change in my life. I do not regret.

But honestly, I feel like every day in the same place at the same time the same car splashed me the same water from a puddle on the zebra crossing on Kings Cross. Well, after all, this is pointless. But… changes. YES. Because I love changes. Changes are cool. Awfully cool. I really fucking love it.

Strange fascination fascinating me.

Breathe

     I feel totally common. Small-town little girl. Blind to the thousand matters. I’m drowning in this loneliness. Today.

Empty faces passing in the queue to the tube. Puppets In suits. Cold hearts. Dirty souls. Where are you running so fast? Where are you going in such a hurry? Just stop. Shout out loud what you feel. Forget about all this concrete world around you.

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     I don’t have friends in this city. No one has. Everyone has aspirations only and pockets full of pounds. With no value. Worthless. You live fast… No. You don’t live. No time for everything that you love (because you love your job, obviously).

I have different priorities than people around me. I don’t feel inferior. I’m not better. I look in another way at the world. I think different. I do what I think is good. The naive girl from the provinces. Helps anyone who spits in her face. Because she feels she should. Stop. Do not feel. Think. THINK. Manipulate. Win this competition.

     Insensitivity. Contempt. Narcissism. Rat race. You won. This is not the place where I belong. This is not the place where I want to be.

I’d rather lay down on the grass and stare at the sky.

     When I see you I don’t even want to open my mouth. For what? You don’t care anyway. We live next to each other. Each goes his own way. Tell me what do you know about me? Hush…

You’re taking me nowhere. I’m standing all like that, torn to pieces, and don’t know what to do. Should I move on? You look at me with empty eyesight. You freeze my heart. Day by day. There’s not much warmth for you anymore. You have missed another chance from me. And I am getting cold and cynical. I am a cynic! I do not have power to try to make all of this up. Again. For what? You won’t help me anymore.

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You used to be all of my happiness, today you are (all of my) unhappiness. Two bodies in one bed like planks of wood. And a cat between purrs a sad lullaby for (not)good night. I’m pretending that I sleep, you’re pretending it doesn’t bother you. Where did that love get us? I even do not want to argue with you anymore because I don’t want to waste my energy for all of this. I would have just thrown a plate at you if you said a couple words too much. Today I just keep quite. There’s no me for anybody. You anaesthetised me . For good.

     You come back late from work and want to make a love. Like we used to. You are acting like a happy partner of a wonderful woman.

And you bought two tickets to this concert which I really wanted to go to (and you said you won’t take me cause this music is trivial). And spend more time at home with me (next to me) and you don’t fight (at all). Smiling to me from the window when I’m heading back from work. Giving flowers for no occasion. Because I don’t need any explanation. I’ll forgive you as always because it’s only you I want, only you I trust…

But I don’t feel you understand me anymore.

This is not what I want.