I Like When…

I like when you wipe my tears  away when I’m sad, when you ask how my day has been and why I’m laughing all the time. I like your self-confidence and sense of humour. And I like when you let me in to your bed in the middle of the night to be with me. One to one.


I’m trying not to show emotions. Look at me, how strong I am! I don’t need anyone. I fill my day by thoughts (not)about you. I don’t want any drama. The cat looks at me suspiciously. I can’t stroke him. He’s running away. Independent.

And don’t think that I don’t think, Mr Perfect. I just can’t be bothered to look inside my thoughts. And I know It’s going to be like that, one day we will promise to each other that ever and that never… And I’m afraid I lust for you.

I just hope this is the truth there’s somebody somewhere who wants the same thing what I want.

Take my heart and break it.

Autumn #2

     Autumn tastes like green tea to me. Sad songs, lonely evenings, cold sheets. I get miffed easily and I’m avoiding big decisions.

     Pile of books, hundreds of LP records. I think through verses, sentences, lyrics. I breath by music, keyboard, trumpet, drums. I am in East. St. Louis and New Your City of 1950’s and 60’s. And I’m walking there with men of jazz. I wear wet trench coat and creased midi dress. I breath by sound, contact through the sound. I go back to the time when sensitivity and emotions were valued. I want to live. Here and now. Only now and here.


     Ham on Rye, Hopscotch, Crave, Love is a Dog From Hell… I have a book for you for any kind of mood. And I also have a song which will touch and calm you, lull you to sleep. Or arouse you from sleep.

Depends what you prefer.

     When I see you I don’t even want to open my mouth. For what? You don’t care anyway. We live next to each other. Each goes his own way. Tell me what do you know about me? Hush…

You’re taking me nowhere. I’m standing all like that, torn to pieces, and don’t know what to do. Should I move on? You look at me with empty eyesight. You freeze my heart. Day by day. There’s not much warmth for you anymore. You have missed another chance from me. And I am getting cold and cynical. I am a cynic! I do not have power to try to make all of this up. Again. For what? You won’t help me anymore.

blog 5

You used to be all of my happiness, today you are (all of my) unhappiness. Two bodies in one bed like planks of wood. And a cat between purrs a sad lullaby for (not)good night. I’m pretending that I sleep, you’re pretending it doesn’t bother you. Where did that love get us? I even do not want to argue with you anymore because I don’t want to waste my energy for all of this. I would have just thrown a plate at you if you said a couple words too much. Today I just keep quite. There’s no me for anybody. You anaesthetised me . For good.

     You come back late from work and want to make a love. Like we used to. You are acting like a happy partner of a wonderful woman.

And you bought two tickets to this concert which I really wanted to go to (and you said you won’t take me cause this music is trivial). And spend more time at home with me (next to me) and you don’t fight (at all). Smiling to me from the window when I’m heading back from work. Giving flowers for no occasion. Because I don’t need any explanation. I’ll forgive you as always because it’s only you I want, only you I trust…

But I don’t feel you understand me anymore.

This is not what I want.

Let It Go.

     One day I love everything around me. Another day I feel like I’m going to throw up my heart on the floor. It has shattered. It has gone. Forgotten. I am lonely in my life, mind, bed. Again. I don’t have anyone to think about before I go to sleep. I lack air. I wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy head of thoughts. Empty sex. Space between us. Words not-to-say.

Three clouds of smoke. Two pills of happiness. Twenty seven beats (of heart). One soul. Broken (in a half). Sad eyes. Open mouth. Hello! It’s (just) me. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just need a little bit of understanding. Love is a foreign sensation to me.

     Take me somewhere. Far away. Far away from this place. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. Buy me a pillow full of good dreams. Like a bottomless pit. I will take all those best ones out. To forget what happened in the past.

blog 4

And I can see one of those dreams for a good night. I’m climbing up to a hill higher than Kilimanjaro. Hot air is mixing all thoughts on my mind. And I’m laughing through my tears. Sweat trickles from my brow. I can see the rainbow. Look how beautiful world is. I breath in. I can hear twitter birds in my ears. And I can see cranes are flying in formation to the north. They are coming back. I will come back. I realised the sense of this trip.

     You look at me with this gaze full of anger like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ran out of feelings. For you.

Let it go. Fall asleep. Forget.

Do not wake up. Ever again.

Just dream.