Breathe

     I feel totally common. Small-town little girl. Blind to the thousand matters. I’m drowning in this loneliness. Today.

Empty faces passing in the queue to the tube. Puppets In suits. Cold hearts. Dirty souls. Where are you running so fast? Where are you going in such a hurry? Just stop. Shout out loud what you feel. Forget about all this concrete world around you.

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     I don’t have friends in this city. No one has. Everyone has aspirations only and pockets full of pounds. With no value. Worthless. You live fast… No. You don’t live. No time for everything that you love (because you love your job, obviously).

I have different priorities than people around me. I don’t feel inferior. I’m not better. I look in another way at the world. I think different. I do what I think is good. The naive girl from the provinces. Helps anyone who spits in her face. Because she feels she should. Stop. Do not feel. Think. THINK. Manipulate. Win this competition.

     Insensitivity. Contempt. Narcissism. Rat race. You won. This is not the place where I belong. This is not the place where I want to be.

I’d rather lay down on the grass and stare at the sky.

     When I see you I don’t even want to open my mouth. For what? You don’t care anyway. We live next to each other. Each goes his own way. Tell me what do you know about me? Hush…

You’re taking me nowhere. I’m standing all like that, torn to pieces, and don’t know what to do. Should I move on? You look at me with empty eyesight. You freeze my heart. Day by day. There’s not much warmth for you anymore. You have missed another chance from me. And I am getting cold and cynical. I am a cynic! I do not have power to try to make all of this up. Again. For what? You won’t help me anymore.

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You used to be all of my happiness, today you are (all of my) unhappiness. Two bodies in one bed like planks of wood. And a cat between purrs a sad lullaby for (not)good night. I’m pretending that I sleep, you’re pretending it doesn’t bother you. Where did that love get us? I even do not want to argue with you anymore because I don’t want to waste my energy for all of this. I would have just thrown a plate at you if you said a couple words too much. Today I just keep quite. There’s no me for anybody. You anaesthetised me . For good.

     You come back late from work and want to make a love. Like we used to. You are acting like a happy partner of a wonderful woman.

And you bought two tickets to this concert which I really wanted to go to (and you said you won’t take me cause this music is trivial). And spend more time at home with me (next to me) and you don’t fight (at all). Smiling to me from the window when I’m heading back from work. Giving flowers for no occasion. Because I don’t need any explanation. I’ll forgive you as always because it’s only you I want, only you I trust…

But I don’t feel you understand me anymore.

This is not what I want.

Let It Go.

     One day I love everything around me. Another day I feel like I’m going to throw up my heart on the floor. It has shattered. It has gone. Forgotten. I am lonely in my life, mind, bed. Again. I don’t have anyone to think about before I go to sleep. I lack air. I wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy head of thoughts. Empty sex. Space between us. Words not-to-say.

Three clouds of smoke. Two pills of happiness. Twenty seven beats (of heart). One soul. Broken (in a half). Sad eyes. Open mouth. Hello! It’s (just) me. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just need a little bit of understanding. Love is a foreign sensation to me.

     Take me somewhere. Far away. Far away from this place. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. Buy me a pillow full of good dreams. Like a bottomless pit. I will take all those best ones out. To forget what happened in the past.

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And I can see one of those dreams for a good night. I’m climbing up to a hill higher than Kilimanjaro. Hot air is mixing all thoughts on my mind. And I’m laughing through my tears. Sweat trickles from my brow. I can see the rainbow. Look how beautiful world is. I breath in. I can hear twitter birds in my ears. And I can see cranes are flying in formation to the north. They are coming back. I will come back. I realised the sense of this trip.

     You look at me with this gaze full of anger like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ran out of feelings. For you.

Let it go. Fall asleep. Forget.

Do not wake up. Ever again.

Just dream.

Holidays.

     Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, brea…

     I’m leaving. I’m disappearing. Even for a few days, far away from crowd of people rush to nowhere. For a while I reject consumerism, expensive alcohol and aimless conversations with random men. For a few days I don’t want to listen to what I should do. I want to be free. For a few days… I want the wind to tangle my red hair, the sun burns my pale skin. I want to breathe. Breathe. Not suffocate. I will clean my mind and come back aware I can do everything.

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I will be back more powerful. Less stress. more energy. For action. Maybe a little bit sleepy, with an inbox full of messages, but I come back. Stronger. I will arrange everything again, by myself. Begin again. I will fix everything that I ruined.

     And I’m sorry I don’t have time for you, again. For all of you. I’m sorry. Even not sure if you noticed that I’m gone. My phone is deaf. I disappeared. It’s the vibe of this city. This place leaves me cold. Quite often. This hopeless place.

Ordinary Madness

     Everything is happening so fast. Too fast. I don’t have a time to think about what’s bad or what’s good, what’s wrong or what’s right, what’s meaningful and what’s senseless. I don’t have a time to wonder if I am entitled to look into his eyes so insolently. My heart beats faster. I don’t feel well when we don’t talk. I miss him since he left my flat. I’m so angry about all these moments, when he is not beside me. Even that we don’t speak same languages, I still feel he understands me best. I don’t want it any other way.

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     I can’t talk to him. I can’t be focused on the conversation, I rarely listen. I’m catching thousands of these microsecond gestures which freeze me from top of my head to toes – then I can;t listen to him at all. I look at his mouth and I want him to kiss me. NOW. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, what did I already tell him and what I was going to say. In my head I recreate various unreal scenarios. Since April I’m beyond reality and I don’t intend to get back. I want to melt in it, sink in it, float away. I want to stretch these moments, taste them. I want to last in this. At all costs. I’m not coming back. I put myself into this position again and again. I know how to. I have learned how to.

And my biggest trouble, my personal tragedy is that I will spend the night without him.

I am just…

     I don’t listen to people anymore. People who are whispering the same nonsense to my ear. I try to catch your eyes in a haze of smoke and alcohol.

I put my head on your arm, smell your skin and I don’t need anything else. I feel safe, with you. You are my best friend. I wish myself only good moments and happiness. I wish the same thing to you. I’m not going to change anything. Anymore. I promise. I’m taking you as you are and I’m taking responsibility for everything that’s going to happen in the future. I am strong. I think so. I have plenty feelings inside of my heart and a lot of peace of mind. For you.

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     Even now… When you’re making angry face, speaking a thousands words, unimportant (totally), good or bad – it doesn’t matter. I am above all of this. It doesn’t reach me. I start laughing at the least appropriate moment. And everything that I can see is grotesque. And you are getting angry in a funny way. I don’t know when to stop the banter I guess. I crossed the line I think. There is a possibility we’re becoming unpleasant. I’m so sorry!

I am just… I am just happy.

I’M ON THE HAPPINESS.

Make Me One.

     I want to be your glass of hot milk in the middle of the night and cigarette in the morning. Be next to me and don’t let me go from yours hands. PLEASE. Because I’m useless when I fall apart like that. Tuck me into bed. Whisper a love supreme, my lovely.

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     Sit down with me on the bench. I will wear your jumper and put my head on your arm. We plan our life. You’ll buy me a bunch of freesias. Cheer me up when I get sad. Leave me when I will be unbearable. Argue when I won’t be right. We will go to bed, there we’ll make a love to reunite, half naked. You will give me presents, take me on trips. I will be crying for no reason because that’s how I am sometimes – immature. You will be patient, thoughtful, open, funny. I will make you laugh, angry, confused. I will make you happy. You will show me new places and meet new people. With me.

     Live with me. We will be drinking vodka on the rooftop at 5 o’clock in the morning. I will cook dinners for you and sing lullabies. You will take me photos. A lot of photos. I will cry at nights when you won’t come back home, because we had a fight (again). And I will call you on a lunch break to ask how work is going and you will miss my calls because you are always so fucking busy. I will go for couple of drinks on Wednesday evening after work with colleagues and forget to tell you about it, because I always forget things. You will be waiting for me on the stairs outside of our house till I come back because you forget your keys, again. And we will talk how our day was. You will close the window when I get cold and collect dirty mugs which I will leave everywhere. I will organize your office and iron your shirts. We will build an ecosystem.


Will. You. Make. Me. One.