I Like When…

I like when you wipe my tears  away when I’m sad, when you ask how my day has been and why I’m laughing all the time. I like your self-confidence and sense of humour. And I like when you let me in to your bed in the middle of the night to be with me. One to one.

I’m trying not to show emotions. Look at me, how strong I am! I don’t need anyone. I fill my day by thoughts (not)about you. I don’t want any drama. The cat looks at me suspiciously. I can’t stroke him. He’s running away. Independent.

And don’t think that I don’t think, Mr Perfect. I just can’t be bothered to look inside my thoughts. And I know It’s going to be like that, one day we will promise to each other that ever and that never… And I’m afraid I lust for you.

I just hope this is the truth there’s somebody somewhere who wants the same thing what I want.

Take my heart and break it.

Nobody’s

      I remember I woke up at night dressed up in his bed, and I felt strange. Like I’ve never been there before, sleeping.

     I feel the presence of someone in his life, I can not erase this. So why don’t I finish all of this right now? How many times have you said to me: ‘Do what your heart tells you’. So… I do. I just don’t think it’s best for me. And still talking to network. Still I have a head full of words. That’s the only thing constant in me.

      I’m unserious. All my life is unserious, trivial, pointless, ordinary. I am ashamed for myself. I’m not sure if you know that feeling but It’s like watching yourself from the outside. I’m Seeing my mistakes from another point of view, still doing that, I guess. Actually I’m not sure of anything at the moment because I have your music inside my head. And your words. And all of this is mixing each other. Like alcohol.

I forgot what I was going to be.

Breathe

     I feel totally common. Small-town little girl. Blind to the thousand matters. I’m drowning in this loneliness. Today.

Empty faces passing in the queue to the tube. Puppets In suits. Cold hearts. Dirty souls. Where are you running so fast? Where are you going in such a hurry? Just stop. Shout out loud what you feel. Forget about all this concrete world around you.

     I don’t have friends in this city. No one has. Everyone has aspirations only and pockets full of pounds. With no value. Worthless. You live fast… No. You don’t live. No time for everything that you love (because you love your job, obviously).

I have different priorities than people around me. I don’t feel inferior. I’m not better. I look in another way at the world. I think different. I do what I think is good. The naive girl from the provinces. Helps anyone who spits in her face. Because she feels she should. Stop. Do not feel. Think. THINK. Manipulate. Win this competition.

     Insensitivity. Contempt. Narcissism. Rat race. You won. This is not the place where I belong. This is not the place where I want to be.

I’d rather lay down on the grass and stare at the sky.

     When I see you I don’t even want to open my mouth. For what? You don’t care anyway. We live next to each other. Each goes his own way. Tell me what do you know about me? Hush…

You’re taking me nowhere. I’m standing all like that, torn to pieces, and don’t know what to do. Should I move on? You look at me with empty eyesight. You freeze my heart. Day by day. There’s not much warmth for you anymore. You have missed another chance from me. And I am getting cold and cynical. I am a cynic! I do not have power to try to make all of this up. Again. For what? You won’t help me anymore.

You used to be all of my happiness, today you are (all of my) unhappiness. Two bodies in one bed like planks of wood. And a cat between purrs a sad lullaby for (not)good night. I’m pretending that I sleep, you’re pretending it doesn’t bother you. Where did that love get us? I even do not want to argue with you anymore because I don’t want to waste my energy for all of this. I would have just thrown a plate at you if you said a couple words too much. Today I just keep quite. There’s no me for anybody. You anaesthetised me . For good.

     You come back late from work and want to make a love. Like we used to. You are acting like a happy partner of a wonderful woman.

And you bought two tickets to this concert which I really wanted to go to (and you said you won’t take me cause this music is trivial). And spend more time at home with me (next to me) and you don’t fight (at all). Smiling to me from the window when I’m heading back from work. Giving flowers for no occasion. Because I don’t need any explanation. I’ll forgive you as always because it’s only you I want, only you I trust…

But I don’t feel you understand me anymore.

This is not what I want.

Let It Go.

     One day I love everything around me. Another day I feel like I’m going to throw up my heart on the floor. It has shattered. It has gone. Forgotten. I am lonely in my life, mind, bed. Again. I don’t have anyone to think about before I go to sleep. I lack air. I wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy head of thoughts. Empty sex. Space between us. Words not-to-say.

Three clouds of smoke. Two pills of happiness. Twenty seven beats (of heart). One soul. Broken (in a half). Sad eyes. Open mouth. Hello! It’s (just) me. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just need a little bit of understanding. Love is a foreign sensation to me.

     Take me somewhere. Far away. Far away from this place. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. Buy me a pillow full of good dreams. Like a bottomless pit. I will take all those best ones out. To forget what happened in the past.

And I can see one of those dreams for a good night. I’m climbing up to a hill higher than Kilimanjaro. Hot air is mixing all thoughts on my mind. And I’m laughing through my tears. Sweat trickles from my brow. I can see the rainbow. Look how beautiful world is. I breath in. I can hear twitter birds in my ears. And I can see cranes are flying in formation to the north. They are coming back. I will come back. I realised the sense of this trip.

     You look at me with this gaze full of anger like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ran out of feelings. For you.

Let it go. Fall asleep. Forget.

Do not wake up. Ever again.

Just dream.

Ordinary Madness

     Everything is happening so fast. Too fast. I don’t have a time to think about what’s bad or what’s good, what’s wrong or what’s right, what’s meaningful and what’s senseless. I don’t have a time to wonder if I am entitled to look into his eyes so insolently. My heart beats faster. I don’t feel well when we don’t talk. I miss him since he left my flat. I’m so angry about all these moments, when he is not beside me. Even that we don’t speak same languages, I still feel he understands me best. I don’t want it any other way.

     I can’t talk to him. I can’t be focused on the conversation, I rarely listen. I’m catching thousands of these microsecond gestures which freeze me from top of my head to toes – then I can;t listen to him at all. I look at his mouth and I want him to kiss me. NOW. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, what did I already tell him and what I was going to say. In my head I recreate various unreal scenarios. Since April I’m beyond reality and I don’t intend to get back. I want to melt in it, sink in it, float away. I want to stretch these moments, taste them. I want to last in this. At all costs. I’m not coming back. I put myself into this position again and again. I know how to. I have learned how to.

And my biggest trouble, my personal tragedy is that I will spend the night without him.

Make Me One.

     I want to be your glass of hot milk in the middle of the night and cigarette in the morning. Be next to me and don’t let me go from yours hands. PLEASE. Because I’m useless when I fall apart like that. Tuck me into bed. Whisper a love supreme, my lovely.

     Sit down with me on the bench. I will wear your jumper and put my head on your arm. We plan our life. You’ll buy me a bunch of freesias. Cheer me up when I get sad. Leave me when I will be unbearable. Argue when I won’t be right. We will go to bed, there we’ll make a love to reunite, half naked. You will give me presents, take me on trips. I will be crying for no reason because that’s how I am sometimes – immature. You will be patient, thoughtful, open, funny. I will make you laugh, angry, confused. I will make you happy. You will show me new places and meet new people. With me.

     Live with me. We will be drinking vodka on the rooftop at 5 o’clock in the morning. I will cook dinners for you and sing lullabies. You will take me photos. A lot of photos. I will cry at nights when you won’t come back home, because we had a fight (again). And I will call you on a lunch break to ask how work is going and you will miss my calls because you are always so fucking busy. I will go for couple of drinks on Wednesday evening after work with colleagues and forget to tell you about it, because I always forget things. You will be waiting for me on the stairs outside of our house till I come back because you forget your keys, again. And we will talk how our day was. You will close the window when I get cold and collect dirty mugs which I will leave everywhere. I will organize your office and iron your shirts. We will build an ecosystem.

Will. You. Make. Me. One.

Forget Everything. With Me.

     My nights are too short, my dreams are too heavy. Someone in my dream is grabbing my hand. After that… just NOTHING.

NOTHING is coming everywhere, coming through me. I’m smoking a spliff, watching trains and drinking vodka.

Forget everything with me, my love. Listen to the Universe when it breathes between happiness and misery in the cold winter night.

     And even when my hips tell you what I want tonight, don’t do it with me. I’m still so small and innocent. I am your bliss.

Forget everything with me, Clyde

Boring (person?)

     I go to bed late at night. Wake up early morning. I don’t dream anything. Good or bad. I don’t live, I subsist. I have nothing interesting to say. I don’t stand out to people who I pass every day on my way to work. My life is atrociously ordinary. No one notices me in the crowd. I am one of many – the unit forming part of the cell. I would like to be an individual.

I can’t be focused on anything. I don’t do anything with passion, I do this because I have to, not because i want to. Life is passing me by. Every day I’m chasing it, disappearing shadow on the corner of the street where I live since last summer. I can’t run fast enough to catch up passing time.

     Men get tired with me. Late enough to break my heart and early enough to let me meet another douchebag who’s going to do same thing. For sure.

I’m desensitized. For good. Frozen. I’m wasting time. Don’t look back. Somewhere between gin and tonic. Somewhere between laugh, dance, crave. Obvilion. Somewhere between phone call. Short chat, about nothing. I keep distance. I do not become attached. And I’m cute. As hell. Always.

There’s no feelings, somehow.

No eye-openers.

No superfluous words.

No redundant smiles.

Is… Unnecessarily.

Do what you love.

     Every day is the same. Flat – work. Book, film, talk about nothing in the evening. Sometimes I eat something, more often I’m existing with an empty stomach.  I wake up in the morning,  make up, dressing up. Nothing surprises me, nothing makes me happy. I fall asleep easily. I can’t force myself to do anything. I feel terribly lonely. I don’t want to tell that to anyone. For what? Only I understand what I feel. Only I care about myself. Nothing makes any sense.

     27 years old. I missed my life. I missed all those good things which would happen to me. I missed him. He missed me. We missed us. No life. No passion. No happiness. NO ME.

I have to make other choices. I asked my mum what to do now. She said I can do whatever I want. What if I don’t know what I want mum? You need to think about it then, she said. So I’m thinking, all days.

And everything can be put into one sentence:

Das ist gelogen.

Meine Mutter.