When I see you I don’t even want to open my mouth. For what? You don’t care anyway. We live next to each other. Each goes his own way. Tell me what do you know about me? Hush…

You’re taking me nowhere. I’m standing all like that, torn to pieces, and don’t know what to do. Should I move on? You look at me with empty eyesight. You freeze my heart. Day by day. There’s not much warmth for you anymore. You have missed another chance from me. And I am getting cold and cynical. I am a cynic! I do not have power to try to make all of this up. Again. For what? You won’t help me anymore.

blog 5

You used to be all of my happiness, today you are (all of my) unhappiness. Two bodies in one bed like planks of wood. And a cat between purrs a sad lullaby for (not)good night. I’m pretending that I sleep, you’re pretending it doesn’t bother you. Where did that love get us? I even do not want to argue with you anymore because I don’t want to waste my energy for all of this. I would have just thrown a plate at you if you said a couple words too much. Today I just keep quite. There’s no me for anybody. You anaesthetised me . For good.

     You come back late from work and want to make a love. Like we used to. You are acting like a happy partner of a wonderful woman.

And you bought two tickets to this concert which I really wanted to go to (and you said you won’t take me cause this music is trivial). And spend more time at home with me (next to me) and you don’t fight (at all). Smiling to me from the window when I’m heading back from work. Giving flowers for no occasion. Because I don’t need any explanation. I’ll forgive you as always because it’s only you I want, only you I trust…

But I don’t feel you understand me anymore.

This is not what I want.

Let It Go.

     One day I love everything around me. Another day I feel like I’m going to throw up my heart on the floor. It has shattered. It has gone. Forgotten. I am lonely in my life, mind, bed. Again. I don’t have anyone to think about before I go to sleep. I lack air. I wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy head of thoughts. Empty sex. Space between us. Words not-to-say.

Three clouds of smoke. Two pills of happiness. Twenty seven beats (of heart). One soul. Broken (in a half). Sad eyes. Open mouth. Hello! It’s (just) me. And I don’t expect anything from you. I just need a little bit of understanding. Love is a foreign sensation to me.

     Take me somewhere. Far away. Far away from this place. I don’t want to feel lonely anymore. Buy me a pillow full of good dreams. Like a bottomless pit. I will take all those best ones out. To forget what happened in the past.

blog 4

And I can see one of those dreams for a good night. I’m climbing up to a hill higher than Kilimanjaro. Hot air is mixing all thoughts on my mind. And I’m laughing through my tears. Sweat trickles from my brow. I can see the rainbow. Look how beautiful world is. I breath in. I can hear twitter birds in my ears. And I can see cranes are flying in formation to the north. They are coming back. I will come back. I realised the sense of this trip.

     You look at me with this gaze full of anger like I did something wrong. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ran out of feelings. For you.

Let it go. Fall asleep. Forget.

Do not wake up. Ever again.

Just dream.