Holidays.

     Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, brea…

     I’m leaving. I’m disappearing. Even for a few days, far away from crowd of people rush to nowhere. For a while I reject consumerism, expensive alcohol and aimless conversations with random men. For a few days I don’t want to listen to what I should do. I want to be free. For a few days… I want the wind to tangle my red hair, the sun burns my pale skin. I want to breathe. Breathe. Not suffocate. I will clean my mind and come back aware I can do everything.

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I will be back more powerful. Less stress. more energy. For action. Maybe a little bit sleepy, with an inbox full of messages, but I come back. Stronger. I will arrange everything again, by myself. Begin again. I will fix everything that I ruined.

     And I’m sorry I don’t have time for you, again. For all of you. I’m sorry. Even not sure if you noticed that I’m gone. My phone is deaf. I disappeared. It’s the vibe of this city. This place leaves me cold. Quite often. This hopeless place.

Ordinary Madness

     Everything is happening so fast. Too fast. I don’t have a time to think about what’s bad or what’s good, what’s wrong or what’s right, what’s meaningful and what’s senseless. I don’t have a time to wonder if I am entitled to look into his eyes so insolently. My heart beats faster. I don’t feel well when we don’t talk. I miss him since he left my flat. I’m so angry about all these moments, when he is not beside me. Even that we don’t speak same languages, I still feel he understands me best. I don’t want it any other way.

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     I can’t talk to him. I can’t be focused on the conversation, I rarely listen. I’m catching thousands of these microsecond gestures which freeze me from top of my head to toes – then I can;t listen to him at all. I look at his mouth and I want him to kiss me. NOW. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, what did I already tell him and what I was going to say. In my head I recreate various unreal scenarios. Since April I’m beyond reality and I don’t intend to get back. I want to melt in it, sink in it, float away. I want to stretch these moments, taste them. I want to last in this. At all costs. I’m not coming back. I put myself into this position again and again. I know how to. I have learned how to.

And my biggest trouble, my personal tragedy is that I will spend the night without him.

I am just…

     I don’t listen to people anymore. People who are whispering the same nonsense to my ear. I try to catch your eyes in a haze of smoke and alcohol.

I put my head on your arm, smell your skin and I don’t need anything else. I feel safe, with you. You are my best friend. I wish myself only good moments and happiness. I wish the same thing to you. I’m not going to change anything. Anymore. I promise. I’m taking you as you are and I’m taking responsibility for everything that’s going to happen in the future. I am strong. I think so. I have plenty feelings inside of my heart and a lot of peace of mind. For you.

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     Even now… When you’re making angry face, speaking a thousands words, unimportant (totally), good or bad – it doesn’t matter. I am above all of this. It doesn’t reach me. I start laughing at the least appropriate moment. And everything that I can see is grotesque. And you are getting angry in a funny way. I don’t know when to stop the banter I guess. I crossed the line I think. There is a possibility we’re becoming unpleasant. I’m so sorry!

I am just… I am just happy.

I’M ON THE HAPPINESS.